I can't tell you how many times I consider just dropping this blog. The last six months have been a gigantic blob of weirdness for me. I've completely lost interest in my house and doing projects, I'm spending tons of time and energy on my personal, DIY makeover (and finally calling in some professionals as I began to drown in health issues), and worrying over my mom....
Speaking of which, in the last couple weeks we are reeling with the news that the surgery didn't get all the nasty cancer out of her body, and it has spread to her liver, lungs and ribs. She also has some tumors growing just behind the tiny bit of her sternum the surgeons left where the collarbones join. That's where she first noticed the lumps. They are giving her a new-ish chemo drug she takes daily. We'll know in 6 weeks if it's going to work to slow the cancer down a bit and if she can tolerate it. If it doesn't work, she's been given 3-6 months. Suddenly, painting stuff and rearranging furniture just doesn't seem so pressing. Though it's a great distraction when needed....
As far as my health, I've was diagnosed in May with Type 2 diabetes and a condition called adenomyosis. This week I discovered I'm in the midst of an adrenal crash. In each case, I'm trying desparately to deal with them using diet, exercise, and lowering stress, but with my mom's situation, it's been a tough row to hoe lately. It seems I need to work doubly hard to get half the results of others I know working on weight loss and better health. It's hard not to throw in the towel, just take a bunch of pills and call it a day (with some Little Debbie snacks on the side.) I do make progress, but it's hardly noticeable. Seems a lot of work for such small results. Here's the link to my most recent progress report and pictures
Anyway, this week I popped over to read some of your blogs. Such tremendous beauty, creativity, humor and love out there. It almost makes me want to start making beauty around my place again. Almost. But honestly folks, I'm unmotivated by my house. It's a mess most days. I want to move. I'm tired of trying to make tasty lemonade out of the myriad lemons when it just kinda looks like pee to me when I'm done. Just being honest. Because my energy is so low, and stress is so high, the thought of putting more energy into this house overwhelms me. And yet, purging and organizing brings calm. And scooting a piece of furniture around can make the angels sing sometimes too. Just sayin'.
My brain is on simplicity. I long for it. I don't know where the line is between making the best of what you've got (jiggly size 18 thighs and a house that makes me claustrophobic) and putting energy toward making your dreams reality. I spend inordinate amounts of time dreaming of living in a little cottage near the beach, growing a small veggie and cutting garden, volunteering at nursing homes reading Jane Austen aloud, taking my kids to museums and zoos as relaxed homeschoolers, riding a cruiser bike with a wicker basket to the farmers market to sell my handmade soap, and sewing my own fun, romantic, frilly skirts and peasant tops.
Instead, I'm living in a dated 80's house in non-descript suburbia with no chance of a garden in non-descript midwest with no water except mosquito-infested mud swamps in my non-descript shaded backyard. My health issues keep me home a lot of days, and my mama is sick with cancer. Oy!
On the brightest side, I have a husband who is the center of my world and supports me wholeheartedly. He has offered to send me and the boys to stay in Florida for 6 weeks this next winter to avoid the horrendous tragedy of February and some of March. But I'd have go without him....he'd need to stay here to work, of course.
But until then, we're weighing options here. We're actually having some realtor friends do a market analysis on the house just to get some information. We'll do some driving around neighborhoods in town to get ideas of where we might go next. Weighing the stress of moving with the stress of staying here is our main task.
In the meantime, we're going room by room and purging, rearranging and finishing off decorating projects as we have time, money and energy. Whether we end up putting the house on the market or not, it helps to declutter and organize. It'll be slow going as I'm working on rebuilding my health.
(random pic of Bogart the Big Black dog, who calms me whilst I flip through dream homes plans...)
So, that's my story. I love my little space here on the web and don't want to shut it down. I hope there's enough articles and links and pictures to entertain those who still stop by, and as we get busy re-organizing and re-prioritizing I hope to snap some pics to share. I doubt it will ever be as large a part of my life as it was in the first couple years (It really took too much of my time and money, though enjoyable).
me todayI'm still blogging regularly at cindy. in the present tense showing off T1 fashion, writing makeup reviews, talking about healthy eating and exercise. And, of course, I whine sometimes. Wouldn't be real if I didn't. You're always welcome to follow me over there too.
Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers for my mom and family, and thanks for stopping over now and then to check in on me. I appreciate the kind emails I've received over the last weeks. It helps to know I'm not forgotten :)